| | My uncle died tonight of pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed just over a month ago...such a quick release from the coil...
I wouldn't say that we were close, but I knew him well enough to know
he was a gentle quiet man. It's odd with his departure from this plain
it spurs deep inside me a sense of urgency. A 100% irrational feeling
that shouldn't be felt, yet there it is, sitting before me like a
medium sized snarling dog. Leashed. At a controlled distance. Yet I
feel that if it were to be released that the world would tumble and
fall apart. No reason...but then that's why it's irrational.
Maybe the reason that it gets spurred and is the same feeling that I've
felt in some relationships is due to the deep down irrational fear of
being alone. It's raw, prodded and brought to a boil. When normally I
push it far far back into my mind where I can't even hear it roar up to
the forefront. Until something triggers the release of the extra slack
in the teather. And the small beast comes charging up to the line like
something out of a Fog Horn Leghorn cartoon. Am I only hurting myself
more by letting my heart and mind call out into the midnight sky hoping
for a return from the one meant for me somewhere in this world? Or am
I simply letting the tension build on the leash until one day it's let
lose and it snaps from the tention?
I tend to come back to
what Trent Reznor has writen: "I made you up, only to hurt myself, and
it worked. Yes it did". I try to tell myself "no those are the feelings
of doubt and remorse that only pull you in deeper, they're fighting to
not let you out." But in this world, it's geared so they win. Such
dark deep thoughts that are running deep and have been stirred by
today's events. Always brings me back to the hearth. Makes me wonder
and doubt simply because my trust has been worn and broken.
I
yern for the days where I was whole and the ground beneath me solid. I
feel like I can't simply turn around and follow my trail back that I've
gone so far off the path that the only available option is forward.
Does that forward trail lead me to somewhere, anywhere where a clear
fork in the road is? Or is it something that is as simple as large cat
with stripes saying "if only you walk long enough". For now it is
pitch black ahead of me and no effort can make an image resolve before
me.
In other news...I finished the timing belt on the Honda,
just need to replace the distributor O-ring and button up the valve
cover, charge/clean the battery and add some more fluids. |
| | Posted 1/1/2006 7:04 PM - 5 Views - 0 eProps - 1 Comment
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